humor

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The Indians of a local tribe asked their chief if it was going to be a cold winter. The chief didn't know so he said, "Yes, it's going to be a cold winter." Being a good chief, he called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going ...to be a cold winter?" The guy said, "Yes, it's going to be a cold winter." The chief then tells his tribe to gather more wood as its going to be a cold winter. The chief calls the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a REALLY cold winter?" The guys said, "Yes, its going to be cold." The chief then tells his tribe to pick up the wood gathering process and calls the National Weather Service and asks, "Is it going to be a REALLY REALLY cold winter? The guy says, "Yes. The Indians are gathering firewood like crazy." ;D

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This wagon train is heading across the desert, when all of a sudden the wagon master notices that on all sides of the valley, there are Indian guys. He quickly forms the wagons into the "Hollywood" circle, to protect the families in the train. Nothing happens. Soon, drums are heard pounding out in the distance, BUM, bum, bum, bum, BUM, bum, bum, bum, BUM, bum, bum, bum.......(the famous Hollywood drumbeat from the John Ford movies) The wagon master tells the train, "I don't like the sound of this...." From out in the distance comes another voice, saying, "We don't like the sound of it either. He's not our regular drummer!"

[strange]

I love these!

Can anyone dig up the thing where someone is reciting some words to a woman and says something to the effect of "I'd call you Pocahontas but you look like Sitting Bull"? Its some type of poem or song I think and it concludes with the last line there.

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I think it's part of a calamity jane song lyric.

Or Bob hope's "Pale Face".

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A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a
small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar,
ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke
rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an
angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more
remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"

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The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

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A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy in the street, complete with huge stetson hat, spurs, and six shooters."Excuse me, sir," said the police officer, "who are you?""My names Tex, officer," said the cowboy." eh?" said the police officer, "Are you from Texas?" "Nope, Louisiana." "Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?" "Dont want to be called Louise, do I .

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The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

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Three cowboys of the world are sitting around camp talking about how tough they were and the tales kept getting bigger and bigger. The cowboy from Australia says, "I wrestled a 200 pound crocodile and may it cry like a baby." The Cowboy from Brazil shakes his head and says, "I killed a 400 pound steer with my bare hands." The Cowboy from Texas just smiled and kept stirring the campfire with his leg.

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A Cowboy's Guide to Life


1. Don't squat with your spurs on.

2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.

3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

4. Always drink upstream from the herd.

5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.

6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there.

8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemosabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
“You dumber than buffalo chip. Someone stole the tent."

[joewiggs]

LOL, now that's a good one and, its the first time I've ever heard it!

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Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "Hes going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." "Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "Hell always be just a good ol boy. When he walks in, Im sure all hell say is hello." "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "Hes so smart, hell figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

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I found a clean version of this joke.

The governor of Montana, who considered himself deeply artistic and an avid historian, commissioned an artist to paint a rendition of the thoughts that went through the mind of General Custer at Custer's last stand.

The artist worked away for weeks and weeks. Finally, the great day came for the unveiling of the painting.

Imagine the governor's surprise when he saw an image of a cow with a halo above its head standing in the center of the picture. Emerging over a nearby hill was a file of Native Americans toting sacks of cotton on their backs.

"What do you mean by this? What does this portray?" the Governor demanded.

The artist replied, "I thought it was perhaps a bit too obvious, Your Eminence. These are the thoughts that went through General Custer's mind at the battle. He is thinking, 'Holy cow! Where did all these cotton-pickin' Indians come from?'"