humor

[joewiggs]

Who would have ever thunk that the possession of "two cows" could adequately explain the social and political ramifications of every political entity known to man and, get a laugh as well? Cutter you are a very much appreciated genius!

[Cutter]

Cavalry drill

A weary recruit was having his first day of Cavalry drill. His brain was reeling, his hands were trembling, and another section of his anatomy felt like a piece of raw beefsteak. The company was charging across the field in a full gallop when the captain suddenly cried, “Halt.”

The well-trained horses halted in their tracks, but the recruit, caught by surprise, went sailing over his horse’s head and landed a dozen feet beyond in a magnificent cactus bush.

The Commanding Officer came galloping over to him, “Who in the hell told you to dismount?” he cried.

[Cutter]

On Monday Fred, an old country farmer, bought a mule from Luke, another old farmer, for $100. Luke promised to deliver the mule the next day.

On Tuesday Luke drove up and said, "Sorry, Fred, but I have some bad news. The mule died."

Fred: Well, then, just give me my money back.

Luke: Can't do that. I went and spent it already.

Fred: Well, OK then. Just unload the mule.

Luke: What ya gonna do with a dead mule?

Fred: I'm going to raffle him off.

Luke: You can't raffle off a dead mule!

Fred: Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.

Several days later the two farmers meet up.

Luke: Whatever happened with that dead mule?

Fred: I raffled him off just like I said I would. Sold 500 tickets at $2 each!

Luke: Didn't anyone complain?

Fred: Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.

[Cutter]

Out of the blue, an old girlfriend Bart hadn't seen for years called him.

After they had visited a while, she said, "I'd love to see you, Bart. Do you ever get down this way anymore?"

"Well, darlin', you're in luck," Bart purred, "I have to look at some cattle down that way next week. But you have to realize I'm a little grayer than the last time you saw me and I've put on about 15 pounds."

With a girlish laugh, she said, "That's not so bad. I've gained a lot more than that."

Bart hung up the phone.

[Cutter]

Memo to Horses:

--When your stall is being cleaned, please don't go through the wheelbarrow
& take out bits of wet, dirty hay. You have nice clean hay to eat & no matter
how precious that stuff is to you, it's got to go.

--No matter how entertaining it may be to a horse to knock over a full
wheelbarrow & then watch the resulting swearing & re-filling, it is NOT
considered entertainment by the human.

--Jumping out into the barn aisle over the wheelbarrow will NOT get
you an audition for the USET. I don't care how tightly you can fold your
knees, this is not the time or the place.

--It is not necessary to hide your manure so I have to sift through every
inch of bedding in search of buried treasure. You're not a cat & your stall is not
a giant litter box.

--By the same token, the water bucket is not a commode, and the automatic waterer
does not flush. Are we clear on that?

--The "lah-di-dah" attitude, "Drop it anywhere, I have a maid who comes in & takes
care of that," is not helpful.

--Neat freaks who manure only in one corner of the stall will get extra grooming
time & treats.

--There will be no more unauthorized barn parties after lights out.
When I come in, in the morning and find bleary-eyed horses, straw all
over the aisle, manure half-way up the walls and even the rats have hangovers,
do you think I don't know what went on last night?

Please take this memo to heart, or learn how to clean up your own rooms!


The Management

[joewiggs]

I know a few "humans" who should follow this advise. ;D

[Cutter]

Hey Joe, I do my best, the cabin isn't THAT bad.

[Cutter]

All I need to know in life I learned from my horse:


When in doubt, run far, far away.
You can never have too many treats.
Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
Eat plenty of roughage.
Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
In times of crisis, take a poop.
Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

[stumblingbear]

I certainly agree with the nice legs and rump being important! ;D

[Cutter]

How Do You Feel?

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe." Didn't you say at the scene of the accident,' I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...""I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." Did you not say at the scene of the accident,' I'm fine!'." Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I as driving down the road..."The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[Cutter]

The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWSThe preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONTThe bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASSThis was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWNThe bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10. 00. The paper said: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS... They buried the bishop the next day.

[Cutter]

The tourist was admiring the Indian's necklace.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much
to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

[Cutter]

In honor of election day.

It was election time and the politician decided to go out to
the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was
getting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!".
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was
encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native
Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and
saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch,
and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get
closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

[Cutter]

Hard to find clean jokes about mules or other 4 legged friends.
***********
A Game Of Animal Football

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T. V. ”
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion’s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion’s team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
“Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino. ”
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
“Did you do this? ” he asked the centipede.
“Yeah, I did. ” the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half? ”
“I was putting on my shoes. ”
0
0

[Cutter]

Cowboy Computer Specialist

* Log On: Making a wood stove hot
* Log Off: Too much wood on fire
* Monitor: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove
* Down Load: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck
* Mega Hertz: What ya git when ya git thrown offn yur horse
* Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
* RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood
* Hard Drive: Gitten home in the winter time
* Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside
* Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season
* Byte: Whut dem dang flys do
* Chip: Munchies fer the TV
* Micro Chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
* Modem: Whatcha do to the hay fields
* Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
* Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps
* Keyboard: Whar you hang the dang truck keys
* Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
* Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
* Mouse Pad: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
* Main Frame: Holds up the barn roof
* Port: Fancy flatlander wine
* Enter: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"
* Click: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun
* Double Click: When you cock the double barrel
* Reboot: Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse