humor

[joewiggs]

Cutter, I swear these jokes were funny as all get out but, I give the preached and the Donkey the game ball. I fell on the floor laughing. Let's have a run off and get an opinion from the other members as to which was the funniest!


VOTE FOR PREACHER AND THE DONKEY !!! ;D ;D

[strange]

My vote is still for the Indians, the Weatherman, and the Firewood, it touches a personal chord because I have a bit of a grudge against weathermen and I'll enjoy anything that makes them look stupid. Bums.

I also enjoy your cowboy computer specialist, but I didn't quite understand the last one so try this..

Reboot: Whut you do whenst yer too drunk to put yer shoes on!

[strange]

I think I'll capitalize on Cutter's cowboy computer specialist...

Virus: Whut you get after visitin' too many prostitutes
Trojan: Whut I shoulda slipped on my sausage before I got the virus
PC: Whut the ocean becomes after I urinate in it
Spam: Canned Ham
Malware: eating utensils possessed by the devil
Spyware: Wen the gov't put thier cameras in my forks and spoons
Pics: Tools for mining
Google: Something you do when you take a long look at the prostitutes without paying
Internet: Opposite of the outernet
Network: Some people catch fish with it

[strange]

Firefox: What we do to the rascals when there's nothing better to eat.

[Cutter]

The Mule

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"


I've known women like that.
In my eyes, it's a tie between the preacher joke and gathering wood joke.

[joewiggs]

Unfortunately, I have met a few "mean" woman in my life. However, this broad is dangerous! Whew!

[Cutter]

A letter from your horse ...original version and the real story ...

* When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
* When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
* When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
* When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
* When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
* When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
* When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
* When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
* When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
* When you are tired, let me carry the load.
* When you need to learn, let me teach you.

After all, I am your horse.

And now, the REAL story.....

* When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods, and we need to leave NOW!
* When you are short tempered, let me teach you to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
* When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
* When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster (harder) than omnivores.
* When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today.
* When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
* When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
* When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. Remember? I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
* When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs. Of "YAHOO LETS GO!" can do when suitably inspired.
* When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.
* When you are tired, don't forget the 600lbs. Of grain that needs to be unloaded.
* When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services".
* When you need to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.

Sincerely, Your Horse

[Cutter]

* BIG TROT: Can't canter within a two mile straightaway
* NICELY STARTED: lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
* TOP SHOW HORSE: won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings
* HOME BRED: knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch
* BIG BONED: good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow
* NO VICES: especially when he wears his muzzle
* BOLD: runaway
* GOOD MOVER: runaway
* ATHLETIC: runaway
* NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER: runaway
* SHOULD MATURE 16 HANDS: currently 13 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 14.3 hands,every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15 hands, but *this*horse will defy his DNA and grow.
* WELL MANNERED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week
* PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
* RECENTLY VETTED: someone else found something really wrong with this horse
* TO GOOD HOME ONLY: not really for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what he is worth 2) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document 3) allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night
* LIGHT CRIBBER: we can't afford to build anymore fences and barns for the buzz saw
* EXCELLENT DISPOSITION: never been out of the stall
* CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS: clippity clippity is the sound his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.

Submitted by Crystal in Mt. Airy, Maryland

[Cutter]

17 Stages To Cooking a Turkey 17 ways to cook a turkey

1. Go buy a turkey
2. Take a drink of whisky
3. Put turkey in the oven
4. Take another 2 drinks of whisky
5. Set the degree at 375 ovens
6. Take 3 more whiskys of drink
7. Turk the bastey
8. Whisky another bottle of get
9. Ponder the meat thermometer
10. Glass yourself a pour of whisky
11. Bake the whisky for 4 hours
12. Take the oven out of the turkey
13. Floor the turkey up off of the pick
14. Turk the carvey
15. Get yourself another scottle of botch
16. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
17. Bless the dinner and pass out

Happy Thanksgiving!

[joewiggs]

I've been cooking turkeys this way for nigh on 50 years now. Who told you about my methods my good man?

[Cutter]

You do turkeys that way too? Thought it was just me and the guy that wrote that.

[Cutter]

A South Carolina Tall Tale

retold by

S. E. Schlosser

A farmer owned a mule which he used for work all week. But being a Church-going man, he let the mule rest on Sunday.

One Sunday, the farmer had to go to a funeral. So he sent his son to saddle the mule.

"Since when do I have to work on Sunday?" asked the mule.

The boy dropped the saddle and ran to the house.

"Paw, the mule talked!" he shouted.

"Can't you even saddle the mule?" asked the farmer.

"But Paw, the mule don't want to work on Sunday," the boy protested.

The farmer sent the boy to his room for talking crazy and went out to saddle the mule.

"Move over," he said to the mule.

"Where's my supper?" asked the mule.

The farmer dropped the saddle in the same spot as his boy and ran out of the barn, followed by the dog.

"I ain't never heard a mule talk before," he gasped.

"Me neither," said the dog.

The man bolted for the house and slammed the door.

"The mule talked!" he told his wife.

"What!" said his wife.

"And when I exclaimed: 'I ain't never heard a mule talk before', the dog said: 'Me neither'."

"That's crazy," said his wife.

"What's so crazy about that?" asked the cat. "Haven't you ever heard of a talking mule?"

Happy birthday Whitebull! ;D

[Cutter]

Buffalo Lesson
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

[tbw]

Why is it they Call the Ranger lone when he always seems to have that Indian side kick hanging around? Nope, never understood that one.... anywayz...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Keemo Saabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Keemo Saabe, you dumber then buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent."

[Cutter]

Buffalo in Wyoming
A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.

Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Mary, this is meeee..."

"George," she answered. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"

"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," George answered.

"The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do all day long is eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."

"I'm so happy you made it to heaven," his wife cried.

"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Wyoming." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry, my mother's been up and down, now mostly up, would like to see this race get going.
Alway's thought that the men that ran to the
Deep Ravine did so under a great deal of dust and smoke. I'm really fuzzy as to it was during the LSH battle, or during it. I've read it was towards the end, or at the end, but that doesn't seem right. Still wondering about Mitch Boyer, and I know about Curley.