humor

[Cutter]

An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own horse ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams out west.
"So what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when came to visit. "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy, couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond ABC XYZ Ranch.
"Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So where are all the horses?"
"None of 'em survived the branding."

[Cutter]

An old Native chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen
his progress, and the damage he has done." The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events that you have witnessed, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the officials for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When the white man came to this land, Indians were running it.

No taxes!
No debt!
Plenty Buffalo.
Plenty Beaver.
Women did all the work.
Medicine Man free.
Native men spent all day hunting and fishing."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled..... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[joewiggs]

I like it!!! ;D

[joewiggs]

Sept 29, 2010 13:24:35 GMT -5 Cutter said:

I found a clean version of this joke.

The governor of Montana, who considered himself deeply artistic and an avid historian, commissioned an artist to paint a rendition of the thoughts that went through the mind of General Custer at Custer's last stand.

The artist worked away for weeks and weeks. Finally, the great day came for the unveiling of the painting.

Imagine the governor's surprise when he saw an image of a cow with a halo above its head standing in the center of the picture. Emerging over a nearby hill was a file of Native Americans toting sacks of cotton on their backs.

"What do you mean by this? What does this portray?" the Governor demanded.

The artist replied, "I thought it was perhaps a bit too obvious, Your Eminence. These are the thoughts that went through General Custer's mind at the battle. He is thinking, 'Holy cow! Where did all these cotton-pickin' Indians come from?'"

You realize of course that your "PC" version lacks the monumental punch of the version wherein copulation occurs.

[Cutter]

Yep Joe, the salty version has more punch. ;D

[joewiggs]

Funny, actually I had not heard that one in a month of Sundays until your great reminder! ;D

[Cutter]

A horse walked into the Ice Cream shop. "I'll get a chocolate ice cream cone" The horse said. The Ice Cream Man, John, gave the horse the cone. The horse, having a $10 bill in his wallet, gave the money to John. Since John thought the horse wouldn't know a thing about money, he gave the horse one dollar back. "Thanks for coming," John said to the horse. "We don't get many horses around here!" The horse replied "Well, it's no wonder for $9.00 a cone!"

[Cutter]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance....never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir.....but.....I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Cutter]

So anyway, there was this old Indian dude who hired into a construction company. His first day on the job the crew was worried about the dark clouds overhead.
He spoke up and said "It ain't gonna rain".

Sure enough, he was right! And so for months this went on, the crew asked him everyday what the weather was gonna be, and the old Indian would be right! Until one day, they walked into the local diner and saw their old Indian friend sipping on a mug of coffee.

They approached him and asked, "So old-timer, what's the weather gonna be today?". "Don't know", said the old man. "What? What do you mean you don't know?" they asked. He said again, "Don't know". They were bewildered.

"Why not?" they asked. So the old Indian looked up and said flatly, "My radio's broke."

[Cutter]

Strange Horse Laws

Just some wacky, odd, strange laws from around the US (and a few from other countries too!).

The horse is New Jersey's state animal.

It's illegal in Marion, South Carolina, to tickle a female under her chin with a feather duster to get her attention while she's riding a horse.

In New York City, it is illegal to open or close an umbrella in the presence of a horse.

It is illegal to fish from horseback in Washington D.C, Colorado, and Utah.

Tennessee prohibits riders from lassoing fish.

A British law states that an Englishman must not sell a horse to a Scotsman.

Horses are required to wear hats in hot weather in Rasario, Argentina.

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

In Guernee, Illinois, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.

In Kentucky, it is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is: escorted by at least two police officers; armed with a club; or lighter than 90 pounds or heavier than 200 pounds. The ordinance also specifically exempts female horses from such restrictions.

In London, England, law required taxi drivers to carry a bale of hay on top of their caps to feed their horses. The law was in force until 1976.

In Arizona, it is illegal for cowboys to walk through a hotel lobby wearing their spurs.

In Raton, New Mexico, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.

In South Carolina, it is legal for adult males to discharge firearms when approaching an intersection in a non-horse vehicle to warn oncoming horse traffic.

A misworded ordinance in Wolf Point, Montana: "No horse shall be allowed in public without its owner wearing a halter."

In South Carolina, no horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.

In Omega, New Mexico, every woman must "be found to be wearing a corset" when riding a horse in public! A doctor is required to inspect each woman to make sure that she is complying with the law.


Pennsylvania law states: ``Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.''

In Hartsville, Illinois, you can be arrested for riding an ugly horse.

In the state of Queensland, Australia, it is still constitutional law that all pubs (hotel/bar) must have a railing outside for patrons to tie up their horse.

Pattonsburg, Missouri, Revised Ordinances, 1884: "No person shall hallo, shout, bawl, scream, use profane language, dance, sing, whoop, quarrel, or make any unusual noise or sound in such manner as to disturb a horse."

Abilene, Kansas, City Ordinance 349 declares: "Any person who shall in the city of Abilene shoot at a horse with any concealed or unconcealed bean snapper or like article, shall upon conviction, be fined."

Marshalltown, Iowa, it is against the law for a horse to eat a fire hydrant.

[Cutter]

One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

[Cutter]

newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The
farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic
relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life
unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the
head, killing her instantly!

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say
something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'
The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

[joewiggs]

Cutter, this is some of the funniest stuff I have ever read! My favorite are the Old Man and the last one here. Please keep up the good work! ;D

[Cutter]

Yeah, I like the old man one too. The wood gathering indians is my favorite tho. ;D

[Cutter]

TWO COWS ...
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cow.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. The government takes the milk and pays you for it and then pours the milk down the drain.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
DEMOCRAT -You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN -You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST -You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST -You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
FLORIDA CORPORATION -You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.
AMERICAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION -You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
ITALIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
GERMAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
POLISH CORPORATION -You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
JAPANESE CORPORATION -You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have