humor

[Cutter]

Hey Joe, I have a million of them, but I ran out about 6 months ago, needed to use all resources available. ;D

[Cutter]

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

[Cutter]

Who Can Open the Gate? (a breed profile)
This story takes place in a big pasture, filled with all different kinds of horses. A question has just been asked amid the herd: "Who can open the gate?" Here's what they say ...

Lipizzaner: "No need for opening it! When are you all going to learn how to fly?!"
Thoroughbred: "Let's wait for the gate to open - when the bell rings!"
Paint: "Yeah, what he said! Na na na na na na!
Arabian: "You'll have to get somebody else to do it. My nails aren't dry!"
Quarter Horse: "Maybe if I push on it with my hindquarters, I could open it?"
Standardbred: "Pity on all of you. I'll figure it out. Just give me some time."
Polo Pony: "Wait a minute ... let me get my stick and give it a few whacks."
Shetland Pony: "Let me at it! I'll break the stupid thing and then you all can get outta my face."
Mules: "Oh, let's just pack it in and call it a day."
Saddlebred: "Now, now. I'll open it, if someone could help me with my shoes!"
Friesian: "I'll do it! But do you think it will mess up my hair?"
Mustang: "What's a gate?"
Belgian: "Step back! You all aren't strong enough to do it. I'll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?"
Morgan: "There, there. I'll do it for you. No need to have such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything else I could do for you after I get done with the gate?"
Appaloosa: "Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of sissies. No one is leaving 'till I say so."
Percheron: "I already opened the gate while you all have been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the other gates. So it'll be a while before I have to listen to all of you argue again!"

[tbw]

I like this one very very much. Good work ;D

[Cutter]

A rabbi, a nun, and a horse walk into a bar, bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[joewiggs]

Now this the bomb!!! The simplicity of the punch line makes it hilarious. ;D I laughed for five minutes before I could respond!

[Cutter]

Given the latest news on the health, or lack of, this individual.

Osama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We'd rather you die, than come to court.
Why are you hiding if it was in God's name?
Your just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.

I have a question, about your theory and laws;
"How come you never die for the cause?"
Is it because you're a coward who counts on others?
Well here in America, we stand by our brothers.

As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishin'
Americans are now focused and stronger than ever;
Your death has become our next endeavor.

What you tried to kill, doesn't live in our walls;
It's not in buildings or shopping malls.
If all of our structures came crashing down;
It would still be there, safe and sound.

Because pride and courage can't be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.
We'll band together and fill the holes
We'll bury our dead and bless their souls.

But then our energy will focus on you;
And you'll feel the wrath of the Red, White and Blue.
So slither and hide like a snake in the grass;
Because America's coming to kick your ass!!!

[Cutter]

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

[joewiggs]

LOL! Thanks Cutter for starting my day off with a huge laugh. The set up was fantastic and the ending wholly unexpected and hilarious!!!

[tbw]

Well, I think there's more to this than meets the eye Joe.

Great work Cutter

[Cutter]

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was. "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," said the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

[stumblingbear]

LOL!!! ;D ;D

[whitebull]

I just found out I'm a lesbian too! Who would have thunk!

[Cutter]

LOL. Me too.

[Cutter]

Ran across this in my travels now that my computer isn't going on strike every other minute.


Strange Horse Laws

Just some wacky, odd, strange laws from around the US (and a few from other countries too!).

The horse is New Jersey's state animal.

It's illegal in Marion, South Carolina, to tickle a female under her chin with a feather duster to get her attention while she's riding a horse.

In New York City, it is illegal to open or close an umbrella in the presence of a horse.

It is illegal to fish from horseback in Washington D.C, Colorado, and Utah.

Tennessee prohibits riders from lassoing fish.

A British law states that an Englishman must not sell a horse to a Scotsman.

Horses are required to wear hats in hot weather in Rasario, Argentina.

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

In Guernee, Illinois, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.

In Kentucky, it is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is: escorted by at least two police officers; armed with a club; or lighter than 90 pounds or heavier than 200 pounds. The ordinance also specifically exempts female horses from such restrictions.

In London, England, law required taxi drivers to carry a bale of hay on top of their caps to feed their horses. The law was in force until 1976.

In Arizona, it is illegal for cowboys to walk through a hotel lobby wearing their spurs.

In Raton, New Mexico, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.

In South Carolina, it is legal for adult males to discharge firearms when approaching an intersection in a non-horse vehicle to warn oncoming horse traffic.

A misworded ordinance in Wolf Point, Montana: "No horse shall be allowed in public without its owner wearing a halter."

In South Carolina, no horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.

In Omega, New Mexico, every woman must "be found to be wearing a corset" when riding a horse in public! A doctor is required to inspect each woman to make sure that she is complying with the law.


Pennsylvania law states: ``Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.''

In Hartsville, Illinois, you can be arrested for riding an ugly horse.

In the state of Queensland, Australia, it is still constitutional law that all pubs (hotel/bar) must have a railing outside for patrons to tie up their horse.

Pattonsburg, Missouri, Revised Ordinances, 1884: "No person shall hallo, shout, bawl, scream, use profane language, dance, sing, whoop, quarrel, or make any unusual noise or sound in such manner as to disturb a horse."

Abilene, Kansas, City Ordinance 349 declares: "Any person who shall in the city of Abilene shoot at a horse with any concealed or unconcealed bean snapper or like article, shall upon conviction, be fined."

Marshalltown, Iowa, it is against the law for a horse to eat a fire hydrant.